This is a ten minute video I created on Tik Tok moments after I heard my friend’s daughter ended her life. Suicide is a choice we make – but it doesn’t have to be an option.

I wrote an entire book to destroy my ex-husband‘s philosophy that a child raised with a leg up is better off. Completely wrong. The wrong direction entirely. 

In the book, I wrote a parable about the purple people in the kingdom. A poor couple switched their baby with the queen‘s baby. They believed having royal blood would make that kid spectacular. So, they took it. They gave their child who wouldn’t amount to anything to the royal family. Everyone was identical. No one knew about the exchange except for the couple. They allowed the royal baby to follow its own guidance. Basically, they kept it fed and as safe as they could. They did not want to taint whatever came through in the royal DNA.

What do you think happened to the two children? Their child who they believed would amount to nothing was polished, coiffed and shined and put in all the best boarding schools and academies. It would resemble Royal Blood. Anything that dresses like Royal Blood looks like Royal Blood. What is inside has nothing to do with anything. It’s just a body. The spirit came with a plan. The body is the vessel we use when we are here.

The royal baby who was taken by the poor couple would have the best life. They had no one telling them what they would be, how they would dress, or what their life would be like. They were allowed to walk on the earth, find nature, and find a path that would bring them to why they came to this planet. They only followed their internal arrow as it was the only thing pointing the way.

Three times I chose to end my life… I needed and wanted to exit my story

Being told what you’re going to be is a death sentence. For someone who is programmed at birth, and told what their plan is, it is so much harder to find their way to who they are here to be. Your planning their life destroys their little soul. You make it harder for them to find their way home.

Three times I chose to end my life. I couldn’t take it any longer. The pain of memories and what I was “living through” were too much for me to survive. I needed and wanted to exit my story.

My sisters and I all had memories of our mother in the closet. By choice. Stoned.

Yesterday I heard from a dear, new friend. He retired recently. I met him when he was passing through to summit a mountain in Southern California. He went to Las Vegas for the Grateful Dead show at the Sphere. He recently traveled to Washington DC the first week of August. He sent me pictures of the Wright Brothers plane, and of course, Jerry Garcia. He is living the retirement dream.

He sent a note yesterday afternoon telling me his story is about to change. He learned during his adventurous travels that his youngest child killed herself.

When I wanted to die, it wasn’t because of being encouraged to become something that didn’t fit with my plan. I was desperate for my mother to communicate with me. But she wouldn’t.

With his hand as a claw in her hair, he was smashing her head on the floor of our kitchen repeatedly

I don’t know how I got ahold of deadly pills, but I had them handy twice when I wanted to take my life. The most prominent memory was when I was alone in my apartment in Silverado Village in Las Vegas. I was having many memories of when daddy number two sexually abused me. More was coming back than I remembered. The only person in my entire existence who knew what I was going through was my mother.

I called her as I desperately needed clarity. So much fuzzy was happening in my mind and I needed to peel it back and release it. I don’t know what she took when we were young. We called them tranquilizers. Whatever they were, they were powerful. My sisters and I all had memories of our mother in the closet. By choice. Stoned.

When she answered the phone, at that moment I knew (again) that I was completely on my own. We were all grown and gone. It was just her and our fifth father living together now. He was such a blessing in our lives. I heard the phone pick up, then a pause. After a moment, and rustling with the receiver on their land line, I heard a faint, and very stoned, “…eeeelllllooooo.” She was completely out of it. I told her I desperately needed to talk; she hung up on me. She hung up on us a lot.

Not a suicidal moment, but further clarity on the woman who raised me. I was the only one with her the day she shot our real father. He was playing the role of daddy #4 at the time. The entire morning let up to her shooting him at 1:00. I was witness to more of her stubborn hell, and refusal to bend even a little. It turned very ugly and violent by 10:30am.  With his hand as a claw in her hair, he was smashing her head on the floor of our kitchen repeatedly. He wanted her to apologize for not petting a dirty puppy he brought home. Drunk, of course.

I had two options. Live and remain small and afraid, or finally be done with this misery of a life I called mine

Many years later I drove to Blue Diamond to visit her. Before I left, we were sitting at the kitchen table. I said I had some questions about that day and I hoped for some clarity. My mother got up from the chair across the table from me. She walked over to where I was sitting and put her open palm to my face. She said, “access denied.” And that was it. Never was that subject to be broached again. She didn’t want to open her little wound. It never mattered to her the damage she did to us. She was the only thing that mattered.

Another attempt for me was when I left my husband in Ohio. I had to leave. But I was so weak and afraid. I was living alone for a while when I found myself at a crossroad where I had two options. Live and remain small and afraid, or finally be done with this misery of a life I called mine.

I wrote a suicide note and left it on my table. I went on a cruise out of Miami. I was going to enjoy myself for a little while on the boat, then no one would notice when I was no longer there. It was a perfect plan.

Let’s just say all three times, clearly, I didn’t do it. Each time, there was a voice that I heard that kept telling me over and over, “Cari… hang in there. You’ve got this. Don’t be afraid. Cari. You are going to make it.” It was that voice that I held on to. I had nothing else but the voice, and me. And I felt that I would never be enough.

If you imitate that in front of your people, are they shaming you or cheering you on? That depends on the family plan for your future.

Now… boy, do I ever know why I was brought here. I was a critical figure in life, just like you are. But most of us are so lost. We can’t even hear that voice that was my saving grace. That, and the fact that I was not programmed whatsoever. I did not have a life where I was told what I needed to be or do. I knew I just had to grow up, and get out. That is what we all did. By having nothing I was told I was to be, I was free to find me. Just very screwed up, a victim and dysfunctional for a few decades.

This topic is so huge. I was led to write an entire book about it in less than three weeks beginning March 29^th, 2024. Man is Ruining His Own Nest.

We are born with a plan. We come to earth to blast into a tiny skin-bag, and to forget why we came here. I know it doesn’t make sense, but we forget for a reason.

We get nudges and inspiration about our future and what we see ourselves doing. We have fantasies and dreams about what it will be like to be what we came here to be. We pretend to be it. We imitate it.

Early on we are told what our family thinks of that thing that means the world to us. They cannot know the significance of our dream and why it matters. They can’t. It is tucked neatly away in our secret space. We all have that secret space. Very often they tell you right away, “You can’t be ______; they don’t make any money,” or something along these lines.

This is the problem. We have become a society so busy with doing and racing around that we don’t have time to become who we are.

Perhaps you see yourself as the next Mister Rogers or Jacques Cousteau. If you imitate that in front of your people, are they shaming you or cheering you on? That depends on the family plan for your future. Sad but true, most of you come to find a syllabus all filled out and ready for your deployment. Your future is planned. Did you have any say in what you are going to do? How does this make you feel? Find your feelings. Follow them.

When you are told as a toddler that you are going to go to school for seventeen plus years, and that doesn’t count the pre-school you were registered for before you were born. For some of you, I’m sure that suits you just fine. What about the kid who never enjoyed or did well in school? I know it matters not. You have a plan for your children. They will not end up doing _____ like you did. You will make sure of it. What if that is what they want or will excel at? You cannot know their plan.

This is the problem. We have become a society so busy with doing and racing around that we don’t have time to become who we are. We had one child and she had way too many activities. Parents divide and conquer to attend all of the events for all of the children they produce. We fill their little calendars so they don’t have time to even think about who they are.

If they become what they want to become, they will be shunned by those who they came here to love

Your kids come here just like you did. They have a plan. They set themselves up for a journey to greatness while incarnated on this rock. When the plan they had in store is muddled by family, and the world telling them what they expect them to be; they cannot find their way. They are lost. If they become what they want to become, they will be shunned by those who they came here to love and be with.

…do that which makes us feel good… fills our cup and makes our heart sing … not necessarily something fabulous… may not bring them fame or fortune … What you say and do does impact their plan.

Your words and ideas about anything can crush another human. They may dream of braiding palm tree leaves and making village huts. Then they hear you make ugly jokes about anyone who would take on such a task. What you say leaves an everlasting imprint on a soul.

Times have changed. We have so much busy going on around us, kids can’t find their way to what makes them feel good inside. There is nothing more important on this planet than to do that which makes us feel good. Something that fills our cup and makes our heart sing. What that is, is not necessarily something fabulous. It may not bring them fame or fortune. But it is what they came here to do and be. What you say and do does impact their plan.

Being programmed at birth is a death sentence

They have a plan. The only way to access that plan and that space is to be encouraged to become who they are. Get your kids out to nature and let them flow. Let them go. See who they are. What makes them thrive?

Being programmed at birth is a death sentence. The chances of a child being happy in the family business they were born to run, or the farm they will inherit; slim to none. The person who started the farm didn’t plan on it either. They just become it and live a life of misery. If you want to run a farm, you will find one and become a farmer. You cannot be born into something that is your dream. You are born into something that is your challenge to get through.

Our goal on this rock is to step out of any story that doesn’t allow us to feel bliss. If it feels icky, it is not your plan. Move on. Don’t try to make anything work. It can’t. We are fluid. We came here to find our way to be who we are. Please let us be just that.

Do not have children unless you plan on allowing them to become who they are. You may not like them or appreciate it at all – but you had your plan. They have theirs. Leave them alone. #STFU so they can find their way.

We take our lives because we are hurting inside. We have a deep space that is our special secret and you can never know it.

You created expectations of what someone is to be. They can never be what you want them to be. They have a plan. They have a guidance system with an arrow pointing to their true north. Not yours. If you support them in fully becoming who or what they are, they will soar. If you want to alter their course or suggest anything that is outside of what they want, you have interfered. This is their story. You have yours. Leave them alone.

We take our lives because we are hurting inside. We have a deep space that is our special secret and you can never know it. But you can offer love. Be love and be accepting. Encourage everyone in your universe to step away from what is “normal” and find their lane. Become something spectacular or something small; whatever it is that you came here to be. But do not have an opinion or an idea about anyone else’s life. If you do, keep it to yourself. #STFU. Find your story.

You came here with a plan. Only you know if you are on target, or not even close. Do you blame anyone because you are not where you want to be? If this is the case, change it. Do not give anyone else your power.

Here is how you raise a child for greatness. I’m not talking a wonderful job that pays well… I am talking a child that has the ability to find who they are. You raise them as best you can. Keep them safe and fed if you can. From birth, encourage them to find their ultimate potential. Always talk to them about what they think and feel and what excites them. What lights them up at three will like them up at thirty.

This is why we kill ourselves. We can never amount to what we’ve been told we need to be.

They are going through the motions of growing up, see where their successes are. Do they do well in school? Many kids do not. This planet is not one size fits all. Listen to them. Let them be their true self with you from the beginning. By doing that you will always know who they are. And they will always feel free to tell you. You will not be telling them who you need them to be for you.

If they need to be anything for you, there’s a chance they will take their life.

They need to be who they are. Plain and simple. If they want to go to college, talk about it and see how it can work. If they don’t, don’t say another word. They came with a plan. We did not come here to have a leg up. When there is a leg up involved, it comes with expectations from the people around them. In your heart, if you don’t become where they visualize you; you already know you are going to be a huge letdown. This is why we kill ourselves. We can never amount to what we’ve been told we need to be. Our heart tells us something so different than what they are telling us. Let them be who they are. That is all. Let them be what they came here to be.

Basically, a kid with a leg up… An extra helping of money, a guaranteed place to live; you are handing them a live grenade.

We are natures creatures; we are animals. We are born to find our instinct. And we have it. We need to be kicked out of the nest so we can fly like any other animal. If we have a leg up, we are injured at birth. We already have a disability. We have to live up to somebody’s expectation. We have a perma-home and money, things that do not exist in nature.

Do you have pockets when you come out of the womb? No. Because you have everything you need within your skin bag to make your life a smashing success. You need to be encouraged to become your ultimate potential and nothing more. That is what parents and family are for. To encourage every single one of us to become our greatest gift to this planet. But instead, you believe money, power, and influence is what makes life happen. Not at all. It’s getting back to God. Being one with nature. That is when you are connected to God. That is when you are fulfilled. Fulfilled people would never take their life. They have too much to live for.

Basically, a kid with a leg up… An extra helping of money, a guaranteed place to live; you are handing them a live grenade. You are giving them something that they have to accept. In their soul, they have a plan, but now you’ve altered that plan by telling them your plan is the important one. When they have nothing, they have nothing they need to shed to find their way to who they are. When you give them things, when they get a promise of life, they are lost. They have something they need to remove before they can find their path.

Most never will.