I can still see myself as I was looking into the downstairs mirror. I was wearing a red V-neck sweater and blue jeans. My hair was straight, parted in the middle. As I walked into the bathroom and walked by the mirror, I couldn’t help but catch a glimpse of myself.
As I stared into the mirror that winter day, all I could feel was the hatred I had for myself. In looking at my reflection, all I could see was hatred and angst looking back at me. I recall holding up my fist, clenched as tight as my teeth, and all I wanted to do was smash the glass and put an end to the reflection. It would be symbolic for shattering myself to oblivion, or so I imagined.
Who was I back then? How was I so far gone that I could be so full of hate?
As I end my evening meditation tonight and look around my room, that woman crept into my thoughts. I feel as if I’ve lived multiple lifetimes in this one lifetime already – and I am the most content creature on the planet today.
With my incense burning and the lights dimmed, nothing but my salt lamp and diffuser illuminated, the room is perfect. I sit in complete silence for 30 minutes with nothing going through my head – at all. I am completely in the moment, in the present and allowing stillness and silence to fill me up. It’s a beautiful feeling.
When I was “that woman,” even five minutes of silence and stillness could not exist. I was a walking, surviving unconscious being. To think I have come this far in one single lifetime still gives me the chills.
All I can say is – I left that woman and her history far, far behind. When I was that woman, I would never have believed it was possible. What I did to change my entire existence was allowed my gut to speak to me. My gut is not anything associated with my mind. My mind was lost in the present at the time, and my present was a living hell. My gut continued to speak, and as I was able, I listened.
Your gut, the inside inner voice which is not part of your mind, is trying to tell you what you need to do to change whatever in your life is off balance. You need to find time each and every day to allow this voice to come through.
You need to create for yourself your safe, silent space where no one or nothing can enter. Allow yourself ten minutes, at least, each and every day. Sit in silence and listen to yourself. Listen to the you – you have yet to meet. Allow him or her to guide you to the next steps you need to take to make your life what you desperately fantasize it could be!
I have lived more lifetimes than any cat can claim in this trip around the sun – and I’m certain I am far from done. All it will take from you is time to be one with yourself. I promise guidance will come to you and through you; much more than you could have ever imagined.
