I am sharing a very personal story about my life when I was in my early 20s, younger than my daughter. I was facing a demon and had to get beyond a fear. I was living with a fear that paralyzed me. No one on the planet knew about this fear except for one other person. And that is why I had such a great fear. I was scared of him. I was afraid of all men.
I was making myself sick, believing he would use something against me. I was already pathetic, living a worthless existence. Somehow, I worried that it could get worse. I was living in complete fear. I knew I had to walk away from this man for months, but I stayed.
I was too afraid to cross a line. I was scared of him; I was fearful of many things. I didn’t know what I was scared of. I was afraid of not knowing what was going to happen next. It’s one of those moments where you can drag out the inevitable forever, or you can just say ‘fuck it, ‘walk through the door and see what happens.
My life has been on hold drastically, always because of stupid things. But everything I brought on was my choice. Staying with this man because of fear was stupid. I stayed in a finished relationship, and it stopped me from moving into my next story. I lived in the terror of being discovered.
What did I do that was so horrible? I was dating a man who was older than me and of means. I let him help me financially a little (stubborn), getting me things for my apartment.
I found out one night after I was at his place; he filmed everything. He filmed us having sex.
The only place I went in my head with this information was that he would release this, and the world would see me as a whore. I hated myself. I couldn’t get much further down. This just knocked me down a few more rungs.
I wanted to end our relationship but didn’t because of fear. He threatened to release the video on VHS. I knew how perverted this man was and what he was capable of. I was paralyzed.
Enter the star performer of my soul group in this lifetime. This man has stepped up and done the job many times. We were not meant to be together in this lifetime but are soulmates to the core. Besides leaving him at the altar, I don’t know what I’ve done for him, but he has been my savior.
I left him in Boston months before our wedding. My gut confirmed as it was getting close that this was not where I was supposed to be. I love this man with my whole heart, but he was nothing like me. I didn’t care. But there was something so much bigger than me saying, “Don’t do it. You cannot do it.”
I knew marrying this man would be a lifetime commitment. His beliefs depended on it. I wanted to, but the voice inside would not let it happen. I know heaven and earth would have been moved to stop this union from happening.
So, I left him. It was total confusion. There were many tears. We were destroyed, but I had no choice. Reconnecting many decades later, we both realized we were nothing alike. He calls me nature girl, while he prefers five-star events and hotels. I will forever love this soul. He is my brother.
Out of the blue, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and my phone rang. It was him, my ex-fiance. He wanted me to get to the airport, pick up a ticket, and join him for his ten-year reunion.
I hadn’t talked to him in years. I didn’t know how he found me. The questions were rolling through my head.
Listening to his voice offering me an invitation to escape, I was immediately teetering on the fence. Right in front of me, I had a way out. If I left, that meant I would need to deal with this horrible fear of mine, and I did not want to face it.
I knew if I left for the airport, picking up the ticket he had waiting for me, I would open Pandora’s box.
So I did it. I packed a bag and ran to the airport. Scared to death.
The whole story will be in the book, but the icky story was behind me when I was on the airplane and we started backing away from the tarmac. I felt at peace. I left. That was the end of the story. When I returned, dealing with him would be a walk in the park. No longer did I fear this man. The story was over. It was forever gone. Something so trivial would never enter my brain space again. I let it rule me.
On that flight, I would meet the man I would marry, getting me out of Las Vegas 2.5 years later. It was on that flight that I realized angels do appear. A man filled my seat on the airplane until I was ready to make the move.
The things that we worry about are so trivial. I honestly know people would not want to see this video. This man was hairy and not that attractive. Nothing about this video would have been something people would like to see. But we get in our heads. We make up these stories. All we need to do is say fuck it and walk through the door. But we stay stuck in the stories that bring on cataracts, cancer, and illness.
Just step out of the story. It is that easy. And the second you make the decision – choose – decide to do it, the next step arrives.
Once I knew I had to leave Boston, the leaving was easy. Once I agreed to go to the airport, the story became easy. Our next steps are always placed in front of us. We merely need to choose. We need to agree that we are that important, that we would do anything for us.
When you do, that beautiful next story shows up. It is law.