Today from Mount Shasta, CA, I will be sharing how something beautiful, magical, and potentially devastating is right around the corner for me. Preparing myself for this upcoming day, I am not optimistic, yet I am prepared to accept and live with whatever the outcome. I have no choice. Such is life. It is what it is, and there ain’t nothing we can do about it.
The first six months after moving into my home on the Oregon coast became a training ground for me. It was where I would master being present 100% of the time. Eckart Tolle’s The Power of Now was the only option I had. At any point during the six months, if I had slipped into reality or thought about my situation, it would have been horrible. I saw enough in visions to let me know I had to stay present against all odds.
I had no idea how this intense training would come in handy because without it, I could not be getting through what I’m experiencing right now. I’ve been living in a quiet, very private little universe. Right ahead of me, there is radical change and so much cosmic love; it’s beyond explanation. And it can all be gone by October 20, 2022.
In May 2021, during my magical trip to Sedona, I met Alden while checking into my second motel. He forever changed my life. I went to Sedona for clarity. Oh, I got every bit of clarity and then some.
This was my first taste of something so cosmic and universally powerful. When I first felt the universal magic, I knew he would be my partner. What else could feel this good? I knew he came here to be my forever person. Yes, he was sick. I knew healers. I know anything is possible.
What I ended up understanding was what love at this level feels like. Love at this level is something you cannot find walking around as a human with stuff, problems, or issues. Love at this level only happens to those who don’t need patching empty spaces or fixing up. It is so much more than what is known as love between couples.
Cosmic love is like love from the other side of heaven. Everything is whole. There are no broken parts. This is not the usual human story where two halves make a whole. I am complete. I am successful alone because I don’t “need” anyone. A whole who only needs another whole to appear. Someone who doesn’t need fixing.
Although we never even touched hands or hugged, when Alden died after eight weeks, it was crippling. But oh, the gifts he gave me. Knowing what it will feel like when someone in the flesh appears before me, knowing I can feel those feelings again. It is worth waiting for. It can’t come multiple times. It cannot. This is the real deal. We can only feel this for those we planned on connecting with at this level.
In September 2021, I felt a similar, wild, and powerful draw to Scott. What was this connection that was pulling us so tightly together? When this complete stranger looked into my eyes as we had to run to our separate flights, you could feel the connection was so much more than we can comprehend on this planet. I saw him at the soul level. As he kept his gaze, unable to disconnect, he said, “I can’t believe how much love I feel for you.” Ahhh…. Coming from that magical place. It is beyond explanation. I felt it too.
It was beyond anything I felt as a human before. These feelings come from being entirely in alignment. I was exactly where I needed to be, and when I needed to be there. Things work out perfectly when we listen. We both did. It was magic.
We exchanged magical and mystical gifts. I became a bright light in the dark for Scott. His gift to me, he showed me how completely unlimited we are as humans. He showed me how to live and express wildly and freely, to fully ‘be’ without limitations of any kind.
Although we had an intense connection that glued us together, it was not meant to be romantic or long-term. Our worlds were nothing alike. This was another lesson for me to take with me for my future. I thought it was the start of something for a minute, yet in this case, I knew it couldn’t be.
When we meet another human, and we feel explosions and wild expressions at the cosmic level, the majority of these experiences are not to be romantic. Yet we seem to go there right out of the gate. Especially when this new person walks into our life that was so vanilla, and poof, our life is new. We are ignited. Something inside of us has shifted.
This is the most challenging part of my journey now. I want to meet people and shine that light they’ve dulled. But as I move on, they need to know that I was not the answer. I wasn’t what they needed in their lives. I was the one who reminded them of their gift. I am the one that shines the light back to them to remember why THEY are here. None of this is about me. I must keep moving and keep shining for others.
We aren’t here to have multiple soul mates cross our paths. When someone comes in and opens something up within us that has been dead or not discovered, we want to believe it was this new sparkling light that came into our space. But the answer is not the person. They are simply here at the perfect time to shine a light on you. That is what Alden, Scott, and Rick did for me.
With Rick, it was a mystery from the get-go. He was not someone I would typically be attracted to in my former life. I didn’t know. Something was pulling me toward him, and for an incredibly long time, I couldn’t put my finger on it.
We were not meant to be together, but I experienced the most authentic and wholly playful experience in one magical night together. We just lived in the moment, playing like kids. He grabbed my hand as we ran down on the rocks in the dark to watch fireworks, laughing and giggling. The night was living through a child’s eyes. Full of wonder, playfulness, and adventure. There wasn’t another soul near us.
Between these three men, I was shown what life in a relationship would feel like at this level. I knew what it felt like to love from that deep heart space that appreciates the other person for every bit of who they are down to their core. I knew what that love felt like. The universal, cosmic, mystical, powerful love. The kind that we’re all here to find.
I was also shown how unlimited I am and how I can genuinely have fun living completely unlimited. And living in the present, I want to experience everything. I want to see everything, touch everything, and do everything. I want to live, laugh, and love.
On September 15, I had an incredible day. I felt like I was beaming as people were really seeing me. I was getting a lot of comments and compliments. It was just an elevated day all around. I figured it was an excellent night to go sing karaoke since I failed so miserably when my daughter and her girlfriend were in town. I wanted to get back on the horse and try one more time. I used to have a decent voice.
In my typical fashion, it was starting to get dark. I was now home, and the idea of nestling in for the night, putting on cozy jammies, and putting on a movie sounded good. I poured a glass of wine and sat on the couch. At that moment, a voice said, “GO TO KARAOKE!”. I put the wine in the refrigerator and grabbed my keys.
He was working on his boat in the bay when he decided to break for dinner. Walking back from dinner, he saw a sandwich board outside a tavern. It said, “Karaoke Tonight.” Being a sleepy town, he figured he’d go in and have a beer.
I planned on singing two songs and calling it a night. I was just proud of myself for getting out of the house. It was starting to get dark earlier, so I knew I’d be a hermit for the rest of winter if I didn’t get out.
When I first entered the bar, I grabbed the table right in front of the door. I am so weird. I am fine being in bars alone. Dana invited me to join him and the others who came on Thursday to sing. I was honored. This was my first friendly stranger pulling me in here. I didn’t feel like I fit in. It felt good.
I was up with my first song right after Dana. I nailed it. I sucked the last time I sang, but it helps to have something in your range. While singing, I noticed a man at the bar who didn’t fit into this place anymore than I did.
I finished my wine, but I still had one song in the hopper, so I wanted to stay to sing. Dana asked if I would like another glass. I thanked him but told him I would be leaving.
Dana was singing, meaning my last song was up next. While performing, the man at the bar tapped me on the shoulder.
He had a very bright smile, almost glowing. He asked if he could buy me a drink. Even though I said no to Dana, I said, “of course,” as I grabbed my things to join him at his table.
From that moment on, my world shifted. The night was the two of us together, spinning a magical and mystical web around two souls rejoined as one. I was childlike and giddy. I felt like a teenage girl. He was flattering and complimentary. He offered money to bribe the DJ, so I could sing another song. I refused his money, so he did it himself. The next thing I knew, I was to be back on stage, bumping a girl who had her place in the lineup all night long.
We were the only ones there. Laughing and dancing. Yet, there was no one else there that night. It was just Corey and me. My world was spinning in a completely new direction, with my heart so full that it was exploding.
After he bribed the DJ, my name came up repeatedly. I think I sang pretty well, but I didn’t care. I was flying higher than I’d ever been before.
He bought me another glass of wine, and as much as I would love to stay and drink it, I did have a dog at home who needed a potty break. I had been a slave to the dog for six months, not allowing myself any freedom. Tonight was the beginning of the rest of my life. But I felt like I needed to get back home.
It was ironic that I was having the night of my life with someone allergic to dogs, and I had to race home to mine. And that he was refurbishing a boat to get back to the ocean as a commercial fisherman, and I am allergic (or was) to seafood.
We started texting the moment I got home. We were both flying so high. The night was magical. He was shining like a bright star as I looked around the room while singing. I saw the light, but I didn’t see the beauty while on stage; moments later, it was all I could see. Beaming out of his every pore.
We talked about him joining me the next day at the lighthouse for the extraordinary experience at high tide. Nothing for me is set in stone, but he was trying to honor something we spoke about. We planned for him to come at a time, sometime near high tide. I had to explain how my dog’s naps couldn’t be regulated, and I was at the mercy of her schedule. He was okay with this. He was just trying to honor something I wanted. This was already huge.
He was very busy with his boat. He didn’t plan on meeting anyone, so we had to be creative.
Living on a boat, he did need to do laundry. In our text conversation the next day, we agreed to meet at the ABnR Laundromat in Newport.
The night before was so magical. I joked that I couldn’t wait to see him as I wanted to see what he looked like in the daylight. I didn’t know what I would feel when I saw him again. I just knew I had to see him. Something so powerful was pulling him to me and me to him. I had to follow my gut and heart.
I will never look at that laundromat the same way again. I felt like a teenage girl with her new, hot boyfriend. There were others around us, but we didn’t care. We were the only ones there. We couldn’t hold hands tight enough. We couldn’t squeeze each other tight enough. We didn’t want to feel where one of us ended and the other began. We wanted to smush together so tight. It was intense. It was magic.
The other fun nugget we discovered was that neither of us could hear. My hearing has been shot after cliff diving and years in radio. I haven’t cared about it because I don’t need to hear what I can’t hear. But now, I don’t want to miss anything. And he actually has hearing aids.
Learning to communicate didn’t take long, so we could hear what each other was saying. It was actually beautiful and easy how it unfolded.
Over the next five days, he would come over at the end of his crazy day if he could. Not only was he working full-time on his boat, but he was also working remotely as an accountant with horrible wifi.
He was concerned that he would be the only object of my attention, which I knew could be easy to do. But I had so much I needed to do; this wasn’t a problem. But at the same time, it was. I had something in my life other than the dog!
I had been in my house for six months with my pup. I was a hermit with no human interaction whatsoever. Then this beautiful soul walks into my life, and now I have someone… Because of my situation, I realized I could destroy something that was just getting started. He had only seen me as someone with no life and just a dog. I am sure I was a bit of a cling-on since it had been decades since I felt a connection to anyone. Never anything at this level. It didn’t help that he is allergic to my dog.
The next day, I was guided powerfully to pack up the dog and get her back to her family home of 13 years – to Puyallup. It was now much cooler outside. Her intolerance to the heat is why I would never have her there over the summer. I can’t take it either, and I don’t have a fur coat.
I was in touch with my ex, announcing that I was doing this. He hates change and loves planning everything, so my wild hair threw a wrench in his reality. He did agree to come part of the way to meet me. Not much, but it reduced my trip from ten to eight hours.
He came over again that night and was shocked that I had taken the dog back. Primarily because with his allergy, the dog can be long gone, but the dander lives on. I told him it was for him a little, but more for me as I hadn’t had a break in six months. He had no idea the magnitude of this statement. Nor did I.
The dog was now gone. I really started coming alive again. I felt the shackles breaking free. I felt wild and unhinged for the first time in six months. I was free to move about the cabin. I was free to go anywhere and do anything. I had no idea what to do with myself. I figured, like always, I would just follow the guidance and do what ended up being done.
The first day was just a powerful love of life and catching up.
I didn’t see or hear much from him over the next few days, and I got a wild hair. Since I couldn’t travel before, going to an airport is practically disabling because the nearest major airport is a 3-hour drive. I wanted to go to Jamaica, somewhere hot, or I could go swimming; I didn’t care. I just wanted to get away. I decided I would go on a road trip. I packed my car in the morning, and at first, I thought I was heading toward Bend. Boy, was I wrong?
I only follow guidance. I packed from shorts to jeans, from tank tops to sweaters. Bathing suits to a backpack. And jackets. Not a lot, just enough for variety. I then headed east. As I was getting near Corvallis, I realized I’d always turned left on the freeway. I’ve always headed north. That made that decision easy. South it was. Maybe Reno? Who knows?
When I got near the highway that could move me toward Reno, it warned of delays because of fire and smoke. Here’s my answer. South it was.
Then my goal became just getting out of Oregon. The coast was foggy and wet. Inland it was smoky and hot. Just get me away.
One of the first notable towns after entering California was Weed. The timing was right for me to stop, so I was going to spend my first night on my road trip with Barbie in Weed, California. Sounded like an adventure
Had I known that 9 miles down the road, I would be in Mount Shasta… I would not have stopped. But since I did and had to endure the Motel six, I went back later to get souvenirs from that town.
When I woke up early in the morning in Weed, I opened my laptop to Facebook. In a post, when I mentioned where I was, a friend noted, “you have to go to Mount Shasta.” She said I know you would love it there. I closed my laptop and went back to bed. That was my destination for the next day.
My sleep schedule has been crazily altered. So I was up, packed, and ready to leave early. There was no place to even grab a coffee in Weed. Let alone get dinner the night before. I got a chicken finger from the grocery store.
I drove 9 miles and was pleasantly surprised when I got off of I-5 in Mount Shasta. It felt like home. It felt like when I was a child growing up in Las Vegas, in the desert. Anytime we would go to Mount Charleston, I remember how good it felt. I wanted to live there full-time. And that’s what Mount Shasta felt like. It felt like home. The place I was supposed to call home.
I drove around a bit and checked out a few motels, seeing the rates and when I could check-in. And then I found Mount Shasta Inn, where the guy let me check in an hour later. I knew I was home. I ended up paying for a second night within a few hours. I just knew.
My relationship with Corey up until this time has been with me being available. And now I was out of town. Corey is a man of very few words, but I can feel what he delivers. And now I couldn’t sense anything. I just had to remain present. I saw him start to hurt via text messages. He started questioning where I was emotionally when I was in Mount Shasta. This was bittersweet. He gave me nothing up until this point. I was just happy to know he was feeling something. Anything.
In our communication after I got to Mount Shasta, I told him this was a perfect time, and if he was going to stick a fork in it (us), do it now. I pleaded with him to do it now. He doesn’t talk. I know he doesn’t want to hurt me. I was giving him such an easy out. He did not do it.
The day when I returned, he wanted to take me out to dinner. It spoke volumes to me when he told me he would be around at 5:30 in the afternoon. Usually, I didn’t see him until late. I was so happy he made room for me. The man does not talk much. His actions speak very loudly. This man keeps showing up. He shows up in ways I could not have dreamed of.
It was beautiful to be back in his arms again. We just get lost in each other. I can feel the connection with him at the soul level. I understand it. I know he can’t. He did not plan on this. He doesn’t know how to do it. He doesn’t have room in his life for someone.
And he finds it fascinating and curious that all I know is his name is Corey, and his area code is 360. I don’t know his last name or how old he is. I immediately felt when we were playing together at the karaoke bar that we were the same age. Whatever that age is. We’re in the same playful, very active state in life. I don’t care what the number is.
I have been an open book since we met. I’m a pain in the ass, but I don’t leave anything unanswered. He knows that I understand this is something so much more than a casual human connection. But he also knows I can’t do anything about where he is. I can only do me.
I knew his world would start getting crazy as quarterly taxes are due October 15, and he is a CPA.
Without conversation, he told me he was taking a step outside of the arena. He needed to focus on his life. The hectic life he had before I walked into it because I knew he had no room for me. There is nothing I can do but honor what his needs are. Even though there is no security, no guarantees, nothing in it for me. I know he didn’t plan on meeting someone, but now he has. He doesn’t share what he thinks.
I made it clear to him that I was just off the heels of six months of a spiritual coma. Now, I am out on the other side, ready to do whatever life throws my way. You can’t meet someone more flexible at our age! Whatever that is.
This was early October. We had about 15 days together. And now we’re on the backside of 15 days plus apart. But we are still together, or are we?
After being in Mount Shasta for four days, I felt the pull to get back there. The coast was still wet, and I needed sunshine. I booked five nights at an adorable Airbnb on Ski Village Road. I set up appointments for my first full day to look at real estate. I couldn’t believe the magnificent home I found here. It is too good to be true. But then again, that’s what we get at this level. It’s all too good to be true, beyond our scope of reality.
I have not thought about Corey because I’ve had to remain completely present. It would devastate me if I allowed myself to slip into memories of our time together and then remember he is not in my life. Mastering presence is the only job I have.
Same with my dog. Marleigh has been in Puyallup for a while now. She was my entire universe. If I thought about her for one minute, I would lose my shit. So I stay present. I stay present for self-preservation. And it is a skill I needed to master to get through all of this.
The first day when I got to Mount Shasta, it opened up my heart space again, and thoughts of Corey came flooding in. My heart was wide open. I felt his presence all around me. I allowed myself to enjoy, hold it, and let it linger. And then I let it go. Because until it is real, it does not exist.
All I know is in the very few words he said, he is doing what he needs to do, which I know is working his ass off. October 18 is the day that I will know whether this man moves forward toward a life with me or not. Until that day or the day after, I will remain hopeful that he is in my life. I know what this feeling is; I want it back. I know how magical it can be – if he does not fear it and doesn’t run from it. He is alive. He is here.
He embodies the love and the connection that I had with the man who died eight weeks later. Reading over my book and what I wrote about Alden, it could all be Corey. Every single word. This is a giant, galaxy, cosmos-level connection. This is the stuff we can’t make up.
In just two days after I met Alden, I knew I could run away with him and be with him forever, and it would be the most natural thing on the planet. I know that’s how it would be with Corey. But does he know it?
With him, I will live unlimited like I garnered from Scott, and I’m always full of childlike wonder like I was with Rick. I am authentically myself with him, and I only speak the truth.
As we approach October 18, I guess I want people to know that the 19th will be the first day of the rest of my life. Either with someone who completely captured my heart and my soul or not. I will be fine either way. I will still be spreading the light I am here to shine for the rest of my life. My journey on this planet is just getting started. Having him by my side would mean the world to me.
But my life will go on if I don’t see or hear from him. I have books coming out soon, and everything in my life is shifting. My platform is appearing before me. It’s always one foot in front of the other. That’s all I can do.
This is one of those things that came through me that I had to write today. Because I have not shared this story with anyone. And I need to address it because my life is changing entirely over the next few days.
I can be in the beginnings of a mad and wild love story where I completely fall off everyone’s radar for weeks. Basking in my new happiness.
I can wake up to find that I will be alone, which will hurt. I will give myself a few hours to feel emotion, but then I will return to the present and move forward with my life. I’ve had to stay present. If I lived from my human perspective, with as much passion and power as we have between us, I would be mourning his loss and yearning for him desperately. Staying present keeps me right here, right now.
My house in Oregon can sell quickly, and I could be the proud owner of three homes in Mount Shasta – and relocate before Christmas. With this property, I would live in the beautiful main house with wide open sunlight in many windows. I can take outdoor baths in the winter in the outdoor bathtub. I can bask in the woodstove cedar sauna. I can rent out the paddock and horse facilities. Two other houses on the property I could rent out long-term.
Since my freedom returned after getting my dog back to her house, many powerful opportunities have been showing up for me. They are all magnificent. I see my platform appearing. I know I am being “summoned” to that platform. I am always the last to know when I get guided to make a move, but I am always the first to follow it.
I officially submitted an offer for the property with three houses and horse property today. My home in Oregon will be on the market by the end of next week. I am stirring the pot in unbelievable ways. I’m starting to spin the merry-go-round, faster and faster, waiting to see where it spits me out.
I genuinely have no idea what tomorrow holds for me. All I can do today, every minute of every day, as it is all I have control over, is put one foot in front of the other.
Tomorrow my car heads back to the ocean. This is all I can know.